Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Grown Up kid? :(

"da...was missing you very much yest...even now .. :(..also before .. :D". Now, when i am saying these words, i mean it! I really missed her. Communication is heart of life. Sometimes communicating might seem to be too early and bad..but i think there is nothing like too early or late. Instead of keeping things inside and blast like a baloon someday...its good to let them free. Till now..i have been in relation (soft corner kinda) for thrice i guess..Umm....no no..twice. The first one was just puppy love(i still wonder what is love)The next two were of more serious kind. There are soo many definitions about love..love is this ..love is that..if you love someone...blah..blah....But i dont believe in any of those :-P It is different for everone. Just like gulab jamun! Some like it, some dont like it. So, there is nothing universal that if this is the case, then it is love else, not love. Same is the case for good and bad. How do you differentiate good and bad! You like something, so it is good? you dont like something, so it is bad? Whatever we hear is "good" and "bad" is just a mindset developed by people. Sadly, i have to follow the system, coz i am a part of it :( Ok..so everytime i was in relation, i was soo much involved in it that, i was ready to commit! Yes, both the time! May be i am very weak, and always in search of some external support(apart from my own family) So, the first relation ended sadly with she getting married to some other guy(i was not settled properly..and still not), the same happened with the second one(did all the desperate measures to get settled with some good job..). In both the relations, i was serious. Not with any intention of doing tp or anything else. A big gap, 1 year passed. Then i started liking a female(hereafter, "darling") from past 1 year. But it was just like "darling darling". I never spoke to her. Just used to look at her and enjoy or may be i was jut trying to pacify myself that, "haaa...darling is there na...". pp, as you told me, maybe it was a kind of defence mechanism to get my mind occupied. Then from past few days, i was making desperate efforts to speak to her. But somewhere in a corner of my heart i was not happy with what i was doing. It was like, i was forcing my self to do it(desperate efforts) which i found disturbing me. I dont like doing things forcefully, nor do i force anyone to. Things should happen "just like that". One e.g is, "da"("darling" != "da", and vice versa) We happened to meet on some project thing. I was kind of attracted towards her. I remember she had said a statement referring to some incident "you never know". That thing stuck my mind. We never met(untill the past week). Never spoke..nothing. We used to chat on the net. We used to fight on chat and then settle it cooly :) Now all this was happening, fact. Neither she was doing it forcefully(i guess :-?) nor i. My heart is kinda bent towards her now :) This is a fact, and i dont want to deny it by saying, "no no...i want darling.". It happened, coz it was bound to happen. Now that i accepted that this is what is going in my mind..heart...i am pretty cool. Sometime back i was forcing myself against "da". I was not cool then :( coz, i was not ready to accept that this is what is going in my mind, and was forcing myself to bend towards "darling"(the desperate effotrs i was making). But then, there is a pbm here. I cant commit NOW. Reason being, dependencies :( I still dont have a stable job, and many things which are necessary! My approach is like, "make sufficient money(main ingredient) and then commit", which i have learnt from my past relationships. Money is very important! But time continues..waits for none. May be, by the time i get settled..even "da" will get comitted somewhere else. I dont like to hold someone just for my happiness. Coz then the other person wil have lost many things by that time. And the worst thing is, no one knows about the future. What if we break up, for any damn reason? Then what? pp gave me a good idea. Just dont be bothered about things. Let them go on as they are. Continue as long as. If sometime you feel that you should(if you are stable) commit, then go ahead and do it. Till then let it go as it is now. But both have to follow it. It is like putting ourselves on a "test"(pp told me) If everything is smooth, then cool :) If not, then obviously, may be i will have another post here, coz it was bound to happen! God help me! Because of this kind of thinking...i sometimes, wonder whether i am "mature enough" to get into any relation :( As of now..i just want to continue as i "feel". Dowant to be bothered more abt the future. Also you da..plz..take is as if a friend is puking out all the inner feelings :( Taking your handset was just another way of being in touch with you(as good as your handset)..coz..you like the handset more right :-? hehehehe...Missu da...

1 comment:

Alain said...

I dont like doing things forcefully, nor do i force anyone to: Does this post points towards things, preoccupations that your are still experiencing and life experiences with love, women, «get settled consideration», etc that are still predominant in your actual period of life ?

I feel kind of bad of having borrowed you Data Quotes without your permission first. I was in a kind of compulsive obsession for doing tests on my blog with a large data base. I'm sorry for this lack of respect. I will put back everything to normal in a few days. I don’t have time to do it now and I will be «outline» for at least few days.

I'll try to get in touch with you later poetico-philosophico-programmer!